Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
