you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
No subtext here. People are naked.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
