It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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