i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
