I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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