I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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