i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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