She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
