you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
