I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Randomize
