Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize