Porn is love you can see.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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