I showed him my bush... on skype.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
