I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
