Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
