she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
And then he peed in my hair
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