WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
