I faked an abortion last night.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
there is glitter all over my balls
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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