My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
