I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
