your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
