dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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