Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
