I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
