you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
