My liver just broke up with me...
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
