Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
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Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
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I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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