if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
