Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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