I wish my penis had an off switch
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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