i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize