I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Randomize
