why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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