So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
