went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
