Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
