so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
