the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
