remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I didn't shave. On purpose
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I smell like Dick and happiness
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
