I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
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Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
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