Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
