My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
