Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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