He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
How does one acquire holy water?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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