I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
