Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
