woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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