Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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