I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
