I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
birth control should be required to get into college
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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