If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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