i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
