oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
