well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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